I work retail. Yes, a surprising and exotic career for a young white male in these times of endless opportunity. Look, I'm not one of those guys that is snarky about their obviously mediocre job and takes every social interaction as an opportunity to inject wit about said mediocre job. I like my job, for what it is, and I can say with absolute certainty it has made me a better person for a variety of factors I won't detail at this moment. But, like with any job, especially one involving "The Public," there are times when many stressing factors can compound into a mental bludgeoning instrument that actively keeps your opinion of humanity (The mole) under the miasma of contempt (The whack-o-mole machine).

These events are rather rare on a day to day basis. Specifically, it is uncommon for me to have to happily contend with an elderly woman whose sheer essence of personality can only be attributed to something cancerous. Similarly, it is rare to have to explain something as simple as a sale program to a woman multiple times only to have her give up on understanding and not purchase anything (Leaving convinced I am an idiot optional). On the same principle, it is an understandably rare to have someone projecting raw contempt on my bubbly demeanor for something as mundane as fifty cents.

These people are separated through the blessings of time, geography, and convenience. This prevents them from congealing on my emotional stability as they pass one after the other, like some diabolic human filth funnel plugged straight into my psyche. But there are events that draw all these creatures into one location en masse.

The most common of these events is, of course, eight hour sales! These events are shoehorned into the schedules before "holidays." Honestly, we have crammed these sales into completely holiday voided weeks simply to prevent a dip in sales. Besides the point! Look, these events act like a customer service nightmare singularity, drawing in every form of stress into one focal point and bypassing the benefits that time, geography, and convenience grant. Every form of bottom feeder, parasite, social maladjustant, and all around low quality people is drawn into this great yawning portal with the siren song of cheap sugar water and beer.

Anything standing in the way of these people, even their own ignorance, will be met with a skewed range of emotions. Where as, on normal days, most people are fairly understanding when there is confusion on how sales work, these events shift the personality of the general population to reacting with disdain and spittle when a sale does not work in the way they desire. How fun for you, Mr. Register Operator.

An example of a popular sale approach is the "buy ten to get the sale price" angle. On the ad, there is a variety of items listed to be a part of the "mix and match deal." When a person purchases a mixture of these blatantly marked items up to ten, they get the sale price (usually in the form of five dollars off their order). Simple, right? No, not simple. How dare you. Consider the following: attempting to purchase less then ten items for sale price, attempting to purchase items in not an increment of ten for sale price (11-19), and attempting to purchase similar products as those on the sale as replacements. Now apply a disagreement and explanation as to why the prior cannot work. Now react to this explanation with contempt, confusion, and/or a request to speak with someone wearing a tie. Finally, repeat this process multiple times in a chaotic environment where the amount of help can be as reliable as a cat and apart of a day long shift.

The amount of patience and humility this industry can instill in someone is quite impressive. This industry can also force a very jaded opinion about the "common man" on you.

Luckily, for me, I have a fairly lengthy drive from work to home. This gives me time to relax and "de-tox." I'm surprised I have enough steam to write what I have so far. But I'll quickly run down the people I've had to deal with today:

I had to explain to an incredulous woman for such a length they simply shut down my register until she understood how the sales work. She left speaking very ill of our establishment and how we are using subterfuge to take advantage of her (This is not verbatim).

I had dozens of people attempt to circumvent the limits we placed on items. This usually involved using other members of the family (from very young children with a handful of money to spouses) to attempting to argue that "nobody is going to buy it all anyway, just let me have more." Some simply kept coming back and trying to go down different registers to purchase more. For the record, the items most of these people were purchasing were multiple cases of soda. Nevertheless, blocking these attempts always caused people to react poorly.

Depending on the items on sale, the demand, and how much we have been shipped, we can run out of sale product. This isn't incredibly rare. Some items, like today, cause complete feeding frenzies for the sale items. These hot items almost always have a limit placed on them. This is why we are so adamant about preventing people from cheating around the limits, because it is so inherently greedy. We have limits so many people can get the items.

I've also had to deal with a variety of scents. Bathing is optional for attending the grocery store. Tell your friends. It is a relief. Do you want to know what poverty smells like? Did you even know poverty has a distinct smell? Come down to my store. I'll rub you right up against a person that leaves a literal trail of stink that lingers in the air long after he/she is gone. Honestly, this isn't a eight hour sale specific thing, but it sure becomes a constant reminder during these events.

I am out of steam, but let me make something clear before I go: I am out to get these people. I want to make their lives hard. I want to literally take "food" and sugar water out of their mouths so that their children are healthy. I get paid for every sale I rip from the bounty of these noble people. These... salt of the earth. These proud and pure people. I will stand in the way of their chips, soda, and tri-tip like a bulwark made of corpses and feces splitting them from the lush promised lands.